16 April 2017
Hi! This is my first post in 2017. It sounds weird of course why I left you these last months. I think I need to be calm. And first thing first I should be honor my self. You know, I am being so mean to my self these days. Maybe all happens did not match to any of my plan. Everything was going so bad since I did not appreciate my self. I see everyone success and me? You see I am still being unemployment by all I want of this life.
I want to say that, it was so hard when being job seeker. So many torture, voices, pressure came in my free time. I often blame my self just because being so jerk. But yes I cannot change the world just because I always mumble. By so many entries in this blog, this one is the day when I try to break my own wall. I brave to write here is a good thing. Well, as you see I've always been trying to open all opportunities in my life. I want to be rude so rude but the last thing I remember I tried, this would be just a hidden emotion inside and I did not blow it up.
Do you think I enjoy being useless like this? No. I want to tell you that all I can remember I've been staying in my room. Ok, by the all happens what I did like I try to drive again, and now stop, like possibilities I could cook cakes again. I am just remembering how hard to keep my own money when I always waste my money.
One reason why I am still being unemployment and it is hard to me to get a job. I am not sure to my self. Like I feel all my abilities had gone from me. You know I try to remember all languages that I know but sometimes it is hard. Like I know my self is in low level as forester. I did not mean to blame my self who lack of knowledge in forestry. But I know how far I've been going to forestry journey.
I have one reasonable thing why I write on you this time. It would be sound pity if I told you I still struggle on my sickness this time. I still try to be a super hero when I could not help my self. And so on when I was in difficult situation.
17 April 2017
Okay, I am doing my own meditation by writing on you. I don't want to know whether everyone sees me as a good person or not. I don't want to know what everyone thinks of me. Hmmm... just this time I feel I am lost. My condition is not so good this time. I am not physically sick. But I know I see my self reflection in other people. Let's we arrange our happen these last time. I should be grateful that I have successfully passed my degree. I should be feeling happy by my own achievement. As everyone knows, great power comes great responsibility. That's what happen to me.
I believe that everyone has their own story. They have struggled a lot for their achievements. and I believe that if I am giving up this time, it would be wasting all effort that I've been doing so far. I am not a person who give up on something. There must be a way to prove everyone that I can. I just don't see the way right now.
You know, I am suffer. I am suffer because I fight.
I post an entry right know because I want to express my disappointment for my life. I am disappointed because I haven't got all I wanted. For the sake of God Father, I have no idea why I thought of this blog yesterday.
I mean to turn off this blog. I don't want everyone sees my self history. Like I had been crazy person, I struggled a lot to be a person. At least to be someone. I see there were many upside and downside of life I just can't control it.
Last night I watched Beauty and The Beast. According to the story it is impossible to love a person who was not good in appearance. I always see person first time from their appearances. I mean from their looks. I just could not trust to good person who lack of their looks. But why I always surrounded by so many good people who lack of their looks. I just don't believe if look is a matter for this case. Sometimes it is. But I thought to consider a person is not by their looks.
Why I told you that? Haaha.. I love the part when the beast lifted up in death condition and turns to lively handsome prince. It doesn't make sense. I consider person by their look. I read quora which told there were many people who were not handsome a.k.a ugly but success. I see my self once again, like I believe that my position right now is in the beast. I want to tell you a story that it is not everyone loves me as I am. I see my self reflection at least 6 years ago, I fought for my weigh. There were 70 kilograms shadow of my body. But there was no one who keep off the curse, I turned to be slim person but fool. I said fool because until right now I don't see my self success. I just see myself admiring people who success, and they ignore me. Don't you laugh at my story?
Appearance is not a best thing in this time. As long as people have money, they will be handsome at a time. Bella was a good girl who sees person is not by their appearance. But who am I? I am not Bella. I told to people, so many people, I tried to convince them that I have never ever had a relationship. They just don't believe. Hmmm.. I don't actually know what they thought of. How could Bella believe of her heart? I don't know. You see meme comic told me that people would not see your appearance as long as you have a castle. I see my self reflection in Bella. I am a woman whether I don't know what Bella's ages. I consider for the age also. Well... I told you a terrific story, that many men in my life had now been married to other women. By that fact of life, I could not see my self as successful person again. Hhahahahahahah... I just don't see I have struggle upon everyone to get them.
Bella did not consider Gaston indeed. Okay, I admitted I had willing to watch this movie because my cousin always updated in joox of Beauty and The Beast song. I hate it of course because I did circle to my cousin purpose I could see his updated status. But why did he always update unimportant thing? Or it was just me who updated my selfie till he bored at me? Or he feels like beast? It doesn't make sense of course. I see him as a little not handsome but success person. You just see what I thought of him of course.
By those facts, I turned to two or three prior-ed paragraphs. I have an assumption that everyone just don't see me from appearance, but also my money. I don't have money right now. It is not as much as I had before I became poor. I don't see a relation here.
Well, I need this essay finish. I don't want everyone judged me like the one interviewer did to me. He told me as "if it is secret why did you tell us?". Maybe I am not telling you, of course I don't need to tell you. I just need to make myself better. This is just one of ways I could feel happy. I want to share at least to this blog my story, or even my secret. I don't need everyone knows me. I want to share what inside my heart and my mind is. You don't like, you are free. So, am I.
For Bonus, I want to upload here my graduation photo. I could decrease my disappointment of life because I don't see my self success..
|Just don't think anything!|